Comedy Gone Wild

So Poor the Rodents Hid

2011-09-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

It’s hard growing up poor.
We were so poor the mice died from starvation

Poor people eat a lot of cheap meat and potatoes
I ate so many potatoes the starch made me stiff as a board
In more way than one

The old saying that you need to eat good to be smart is right
My parents, brothers, and sisters are as dumb as a stump

My parents were so dumb that while we were starving they got dogs and cats
They couldn’t feed us and now they wanted us to feed pets too
We fixed them. We ate the damn cat and then the dog.
We started getting pets on a regular basis from the animal shelter. We were finally eating well. Between six kids and our parents we put all of the local animal shelters out of business. We went on a waiting list while we made neighborhood hunts.
The cat tasted a little like our parakeet did. And the dog tasted like shit.
The myth that dogs tongues are as clean as a humans is just that … a myth.
They lick their own balls and sniff each others asses and that’s what they taste like.
You are what you eat.
Damn if they didn’t come with side effects too. Now I purr, go in heat, hump legs, sniff Asses, and lick my balls.
At least I still chased pussy when I wasn’t one
Remind me not to eat a cannibal

Buy a comedy by this author, the Sarcastic, for a lengthy dose of sarcasm and drama.

Lying Comes From Us

2011-09-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

We teach our kids to lie and then we punish them for doing it.

Parents lie to their kids all the time. Our parents did it, their parents did it, and now we do it. One day our kids will do it to their kids.
It starts right from birth until they are old enough to realize we are lying.

“Great! You’ve lost your tooth. Put it under your pillow and the tooth fairy will come to get it.” They’ll even leave some money.

As you get older the last thing is want is a fairy of any kind coming into your room while you’re sleeping.

If he’s leaving money you can bet he took something in addition to the tooth.

Check your crack!

“Santa Claus comes down the chimney with a present.”

The idea that he was able to go down any whole, big or small made me uncomfortable.

I slept in a sleeping bag with a lock holding the zipper in place. Did it really matter though? He can squeeze through anything.

Why is he bringing presents unless I’ve done something for him?

We are constantly being told not to accept presents from strangers, but we readily take them from a fat Santa Claus.

And who is the Easter Bunny?

He comes into our house and spreads eggs and candy around.

Is this some kind of foreplay?

And what are Leprechauns?

If they are magical what do they need a pot of gold for?

Are they little fairies trying to lure you in for their gold?

And what are they looking for in return?

Our kids grow up thinking we did too many drugs that made us hallucinate. “Yeah, Easter Bunnies, Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and Leprechauns! All of them have an element of homosexuality and leaving a present for something they want. No thanks! My parents are nuts!”

Buy a comedy by this author, the Sarcastic, for a lengthy dose of sarcasm and drama.

Scavengers

2011-09-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

Scavengers are weird.

Their life is built around eating leftovers.

“I’m sick of seconds. When do I first crack at something?”

You want the first crack eat its asshole. Of course, that would make you a cannibal, eating your next of kin.

‘Screw you! I recall you being the first to peck at his pecker, pulling and pulling. What kind of load were you hoping to pack inside your stomach?”

Buy a comedy by this author, the Sarcastic, for a lengthy dose of sarcasm and drama.

Technology

2011-08-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

Technology is about being faster.

Everyone except my girlfriend is trying to go faster. She dislikes my five-second performance.

“What about me?” she always complains.

“You, you, you, it’s always about you. My CPU is operating at optimum efficiency. The world’s going fast and you want it slower. Who wants to go back to the horse when they’ve got a car?

“Me for one. It’s hung and can perform for more than a minute.”

Okay, I’ll get the saddle to throw over your back, grab your hair, and give you the ride of your life.

“Forget it, you’d make it into a rodeo and ride for mere seconds.”

Some rides aren’t worth anymore time.

That got me the doghouse.

Now the damn dog is a disappointed, disgruntled bitch.

After it nearly bit off my moneymaker I took up with the cat.

She scratched me, hissed, and growled at me, so I shot her.

I stuffed that pussy and now I satisfy myself without complaint.

The taxidermist is puzzled about the constant tearing of its asshole.

I told him to quit wondering and honor his guarantee of complete satisfaction

What if I just gave you your money back?

Just stitch the asshole tight again and I’ll be satisfied.

He seemed irked and annoyed upon fixing it for the fifth time in a week.

Tell you what, I said, if it breaks open again I’d take the money.

Oh, I don’t think you’ll have any more problems. I fixed it good this time.

After hours of sexual deprivation I thrust it in as hard as I could.

“Ouch! That bastard had lined its asshole with sandpaper.

Buy a comedy by this author, the Sarcastic, for a lengthy dose of sarcasm and drama.

Quick Lube

2011-08-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

The idea of a fast lube came from an ex-convict who just heard the warden announce there was just five minutes before lockdown.
“There isn’t time for foreplay. I better lube my bitch and get the nasty done quick. Get in and out, and get back to my cell.”

Upon parole, he fell back on the trade he learned in the pen. “I’m trained as a Quick Lube technician. I’ll start my own company for those that only have time for a quickie.”

Boom! It was an instant success.

Why? It makes a connection with our sexual subconscious that’s telling us, a little is better than nothing.

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The author of this site has now released the comedy "The Sarcastic." The Sarcastic is now available on Amazon for just $17.99. This is the third book by author Marvin Pirila and arguably his best.

People from Minnesota are Superstitious

2011-08-30T14:06:00.001-07:00

The weather in Minnesota is always the hot topic of the day. If you get one nice day once in a while, people are quick to say, “we are going to pay for this!”

Hell, didn’t we pay for it the other 95% of the days. We bought and paid for a lot more than we got.

All of it transfers to the rest of our life. We bust our tail day after day trying to please our boss and when we finally get our long overdue raise we say, “Oh, I’m going to pay for this.”

The author of this site has now released the comedy "The Sarcastic." The Sarcastic is now available on Amazon for just $17.99. This is the third book by author Marvin Pirila and arguably his best.

The Origin of Forensics

2011-08-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

Imagine being the first forensic expert...

Short of actually seeing or having a firsthand account by a witness, there would be no evidence to convict the murderer.

What would a forensics expert find when he investigated a scene in which a man was killed by a spear? His report would simply say, “It appears as though the man was killed by a spear.” It’s a little hard to rule it as a suicide. Without a witness, it means nothing. You couldn’t convict anyone without a witness. Being a forensics expert had the same stature as being Bozo the clown.

The murderer could have pissed and shit everywhere, camped there, hell lived there, and they still wouldn’t have any evidence to collect. Like everything else, murdering has gotten much more complicated.

But not now…If you leave a single hair, a droplet of sweat, a fingerprint, or footprint, they’ll probably find you. So unless you are without any hair, never sweat, and outfitted in a body condom you are likely to be caught.

That’s where the plea of temporary insanity probably originated. No longer could criminals say they weren’t somewhere, they had to say they didn’t know what they were doing at the time. If they had known what they were doing they wouldn’t have been caught. Why didn’t Clinton use it himself in his many pleas of innocence?

The author of this site has now released the comedy "The Sarcastic." The Sarcastic is now available on Amazon for just $17.99. This is the third book by author Marvin Pirila and arguably his best.

Identity Theft

2011-08-28T09:25:00.001-07:00

Identity theft is the big crime these days.

I got robbed one night, and they took off with my credit card numbers and checking account information.

The first place they tried to use one of my checks, they were denied because I was on the bad check list. The second place called the police, saying Mr. Johnson was passing bad checks around town again. Then they tried taking money off my credit card, which they found was already overdrawn and in arrears.

By the time the police caught up with them, they were slitting their wrists in frustration.

Why would you burglarize a person living in a decrepit trailer house with broken out windows? People weren’t trying to get in there as much as they were trying to get out. Would a rich, well-to-do guy be living in such filth and poverty? No, I’m the guy who barely makes enough money to pay the measly $200 a month for rent, eat more than a couple of burrito’s a day, and snorts gasoline fumes for his highs. Sure, I sniff the high-octane shit mainly, but that doesn’t make me rich, just picky.

It turns out the burglars were my crazy redneck cousins from Kentucky, Ed and Vern. They said that anyone working as a cashier for as many years as I did and living in a trailer by himself, had to be doing well. Yeah, maybe in Kentucky, but not Minnesota, the 4th highest taxed state in the U.S.

That would explain why they signed their own names to the checks.

The author of this site has now released the comedy "The Sarcastic." The Sarcastic is now available on Amazon for just $17.99. This is the third book by author Marvin Pirila and arguably his best.

A favorite line

2011-08-25T15:18:00.001-07:00

Being stupid is all relative...and you must be a relative.

"The Sarcastic" - A Comedy by Marvin Pirila

2011-01-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

The Sarcastic is a comedy written by local author Marvin Pirila.

Allan is a volatile person on a good day, but when challenged look out! He's afraid of nothing and quick with his wit -- a dangerous combination for a comic. And if he isn't already a big enough danger to himself, he has fallen in love with a woman chained to the mob. He becomes a comic on the run...

One-liners that are true...yet funny

2009-11-10T16:21:00.000-08:00

The ladder to success has more wrungs than you’ll ever climb

The true secret to success is being born to the right family. Guess what, you weren’t.

The only thing stopping you from greatness is you…well, and everyone else.

Our very low standards are still too high for you to ever attain.

My cousin in Kentucky goes to all the chicken swaps he can. He says its better than any dating service for finding new girlfriends.

Think outside of the box, so everyone can laugh at your stupid ideas.

You can’t fail if you don’t try.

If you try and fail, quit trying and quit failing.

If you try and succeed, quit trying to avoid failure.

An acting class will take you farther than a PhD, masters, or the Nobel Peace Prize.

Imagine for a moment what you could be…than pop that bubble and realize you’ll never amount to squat.

Sure you can’t take wealth with you when you go, but it would sure be nice to have right now.

Girls that love roses like little pricks.

Giving a girl a cactus says you’re horny all over, all the time.

Saying perseverance takes perseverance.

Life is a merry-go-round, running you over, over and over

Basketball was made to commemorate Sex

2009-11-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

I like to play Basketball, but there’s one thing that always strikes me as stupid

Why do we shoot free throws to see who is on what team?

The superior shooters end up on one team and the degenerates on the other. Well, other than Shaquille.

Basketball had to be man’s aversion to a climax.

Think about it.

We dribble the ball, pass, take the lane, and slam dunk it home. Sounds like an orgasm to me.

If we miss we call it a rebound. And pain.

If we’re way off the mark its an air ball or basically missing the hole.

Some guys just like to dribble and some just shoot and shoot. I like to take my time at the top before taking it deep in the middle and shooting. I hate missing because then another guy picks up the rebound and puts it in. If I’m the one playing around the hole I want to be the one putting it in, Let him do his own foreplay. And why would someone lay-up after driving all the way up the middle? That’s dysfunctional.

If Viagra could improve my sex life and give me more lasting power would it help my game too?

Some days you can’t put a damn thing in

On others you’re putting it in the whole night

And when you screw up you’ve got your coach to counsel you

Of course, it sucks riding the pine while another guy gets action and you have to watch.

Even the schedule of the game is similar...Quarter one is like the beginning of foreplay, quarter two the climb,...,Then we take a little rest...,Then we come out of half time to climb some more, until we finally reach the climax of the final buzzer. Then we’re either highly satisfied or greatly disappointed.

The layout of the court is also similar...Rather than on the side the hole or the basket is in the middle. The whole object is to get to the middle and score

Some shoot from the outside but to really win they’ve got to get it done inside

When someone shoots everyone runs to get around the hole and block out the rest

Everyone wants the rebound and a chance to put it in the hole

A Beautiful Mind

2009-11-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

Anyone see “A Beautiful Mind?”

He had an imaginary friend, his friends kid, and a crazy CIA agent with him everyone he went.

Imagine trying to get a little privacy with all of them around. Talk about hard to focus when you’re jerking off. It’d wear me out.

If I were a schizoid I’d want to have a few imaginary ladies haunting me. Like nude Playboy bunnies or Victoria Secret models. They could follow me everywhere.

Hell, I’d refuse the pills they’d try to force on me.I’d want my real life virtual reality

Instead of being labeled crazy, you’d have people wanting your sickness.

The movie would be the “Amazingly Lucky Mind.”

I’d flaunt my luck. Yeah, if you had my mind you’d be hanging out with all these beautiful chicks, but no, you’re normal. You’re so uncool!

And who wouldn’t want to feel they had an important job instead of the one they are really doing. I’d be Hugh Hefner, not the barehanded plumber who snaked shit filled toilets without gloves.

Mumbling

2009-11-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

Do any of you mumble like I do?
I’m always accused of mumbling
I always hear someone say, “I couldn’t understand you.”
I respond by saying, “fu** you!”
And wouldn’t you know it, they heard me.
They were struggling to comprehend my words.
Try it the next time someone says they can’t hear you

Managing for performance

2009-10-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

It’s hard being a manager.

Some people are dang awful lazy.

Seems like every time I talk to an employee about their lackluster performance I get accused of harassment.

“Breathing is good,” I told Johnny, “but there are other expectations too.”

“Joe Bob doesn’t work as hard as I do and you don’t say anything to him,” he’d say.

“Are you striving to be Joe Bob?”

“Why not, there aren’t consequences for being a slug?”

“Why do you think he’s sitting in the window?”

“I don’t know.”

”Joe Bob’s a f***ing mannequin!”

Tree Huggers

2009-10-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

Why don’t we see tree huggers living in dirt houses?

Do they despise beavers that gnaw trees down and build houses out of them? I can just see them marching on their lodges in protest, “damn you beavers!”

Personally, I’ll spare the damn trees if they pay me the going rate. Then pay me an annuity for letting them live. But for every day their payment is late another tree will be executed.”

Instead they want you to spare the tree for their peace of mind. Do they refuse to take tests that require pencils? It would have to be treason for them to read or study from a book. Maybe that explains their ignorance.

“Oh the trees. You killed trees for this!”

I’d tell them, “I didn’t just kill them, I tortured them first. I cut them down at the trunk, and then as they were bleeding to death I cut their limbs off. Then I cut them into a bunch of little chunks and burnt them in my stove. Finally, I spread the ashes throughout the deep woods. Sometimes I like to run them through a sawmill and make lumber out of them. Out of pride I sell them so people can build houses and display my number of kills. You might say that I’m a serial killer… Why do I do it? For the money or the sheer joy of killing the forest. Mainly the money, but I enjoy the massacre as well.”

Alien Drugs

2009-10-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder who’s out there on the other planets?

Why have they visited but not said hello?

Do we look like insects to them?

Instead of sending radio waves throughout space why don’t we send a capsule of our best drugs out there?

Maybe they would send one back with better dope.

“Yeah, yours brings colors, ours will morph you.”

So Poor the Rodents hid

2009-10-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

It’s hard growing up poor?

We were so poor the mice died from starvation

Poor people eat a lot of cheap meat and potatoes

I ate so many potatoes the starch made me stiff as a board...In more ways than one

The old saying that you need to eat good to be smart is right

My parents, brothers, and sisters are as dumb as a stump. My parents were so dumb that while we were starving they got dogs and cats. They couldn’t feed us and now they wanted us to feed pets too. We fixed them. We ate the damn cat and then the dog.

We started getting pets on a regular basis from the animal shelter. We were finally eating well. Between six kids and our parents we put all of the local animal shelters out of business. We went on a waiting list while we made neighborhood hunts.

The cat tasted a little like our parakeet did. And the dog tasted like shit.

The myth that dogs tongues are as clean as a humans is just that … a myth.
They lick their own balls and sniff each others asses and that’s what they taste like.

You are what you eat.

Damn if they didn’t come with side effects too. Now I purr, go in heat, hump legs, sniff Asses, and lick my balls.

At least I still chased pussy when I wasn’t one

Remind me not to eat a cannibal

Ants

2009-10-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Ants have to be the dumbest insects on Earth.

Civil unrest is beginning to be seen in their mounds.

“Why the hell do other villages exist in trees, logs, or other secure environment and we live in a sand castle? Every damn time it sprinkles half of us drown.”

Shut up and keep bailing!

Hearing a lawnmower, “great! A tornado will be up next. So much for the golf outing! Why did the idiot developer build in the middle of a damn lawn anyway? Aren’t they taught that location is everything?

Life of a Dog

2009-10-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

It has to be hard being a dog. Think from their perspective…

I’m not humping your leg; I’m trying to wrestle you down so I can climb on your ass.

Sure, you can clean your damn dishes, but not mine, you just empty and refill mine with the mold still intact. The water turns green and they wonder why I drink from the toilet.

Yeah, I ripped the garbage apart to get the steak bone you threw away. Even I would’ve slept with your ugly bitch to get it.

You complain if you eat leftovers once in a while. I eat them every damn day.

You wonder why I’m depressed. The only thing I’m blessed with is that I can lick my own ass and balls. Then you kick me because you’re envious of my flexibility.

I don’t roll in crap because I want to. It’s tradition.

It’s difficult getting in the mood for romance after sniffing a stinky ass.

Look at the rookie ass sniffer putting his nose up the skunks behind.

I want to meet a bitch whose turn-ons include licking her crotch, eating treats, and walks with her master. I don’t want one that crucifies me for being an unbathed, shit-breathed, flea carrying leg humper.

Great, they are going on vacation and I’m being confined to my chain. It’s 100 degrees and I’m forced to drink stagnated water while trying to avoid my own piles of shit. And the flies!

That damn wind seems to blow the stench right my way too. Why couldn’t I be trailer trash too and move my house out of the way. And God help me if it rains, because shit rolls downhill right into my little shack.

Where’s the damn insulation in my house when it gets 20 below zero. You bastards are lying in your comfortable big houses in your nice warm beds. Hay doesn’t insulate worth crap and it makes my balls itch! You wonder why I bite! Then they threaten to take me to the pound or put me down. Yeah, if I’m so lucky! Of course, I wouldn’t be so lucky if the chef of the local restaurant picked me while he shopped for meat at the shelter. That would just be my luck too.

Why couldn’t I have been a guide for a blind person? If he or she pissed me off I could lead them directly into an oncoming car.

Even better, why couldn’t I have been with a K-9 unit that got to sniff out drugs? Yeah, I would’ve been respected and getting high.

# 1 Franchise

2009-10-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

Subway became the #1 franchise in America through marketing and service.

Their slogan is “Your Way.”

Who the hell wants it someone else’s way?

“Hey guy, yeah you, what do you want on my sub? While you’re ordering for me, pay for it too.”

Their questions are designed to satisfy both sexes.

“Six inch or 12?”

They know size matters.

That works for the women who are thinking they’d like 12” but realize they can only handle six inches.

Ironically, men know six inches won’t satisfy them, they want the foot long.

“White or wheat?”

“That’s enough already, I’m straight.”

After your order is ready you have to pay while you’Er offered something to drink or snack on.

You know what they’re saying, after sex, you need something to recharge your batteries.

Who doesn’t?

They’re selling sex talk over a sub rather than charging you for your usual phone fee.

It might work too, but who’s going to get turned on by someone of the same sex talking dirty to you.

And unless you’re an exhibitionist you don’t like all the other people around. It’s hard to get in the mood when various people are talking sexual to you.

After all of the sexual tension I feel a little nervous asking for mayonnaise.

Bus Driver

2009-10-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

It’s hard being the son of a bus driver.

I don’t get away with shit unless I do it right in front of him.

When I try something behind his back he sees me every time.

“Adam! Leave your sister alone!”

He has eyes in the back of his head.

Luckily for him he has no hair to get in the way.

From the way he drives I’d have to guess that his eyes shifted back there, because he drives like a suicide bomber.

He can’t see a moose right in front of him, but he can tell if my penis shifts position even the slightest.

“Dammit Adam, behave yourself!”

Hell, he couldn’t have seen that. He must’ve been telepathic or the sheer weight of blood from my head to my penis may have disrupted the balance of the bus. Or was it because my head deflated liked a popped balloon.

If you girls believe that, see me after the show.

Mom says dads eyes worked different angles after a stint in the federal prison.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that when he said there were a ton of taxidermists in the pen that I realized the things getting “mounted” weren’t animals.

I believe he learned to hear the slightest movement, especially that of a dick moving, and learned to take cover.

I guess license plates weren’t the only thing being pressed.